I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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