Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
