good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
