The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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