Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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