i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
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