I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Pants are for mortals
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
