HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
