You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
