How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
