Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
