He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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