My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
