oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
