someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
