I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
