The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
