im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
