he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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