If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
