Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
