my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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