I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
my liver is dry heaving
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
