I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
