I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
