you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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