Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
