Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize