Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
