Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
