I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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