U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
