I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
