omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
