Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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