i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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