I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
