We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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