this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
