Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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