I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
