I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Randomize
