alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I will pee on everything he values.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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