The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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