Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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