FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
