I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
