I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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