I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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