I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
