i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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