why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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