My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
