worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
