two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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