Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
