So drunk its hurt
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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