Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
