Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
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