im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And my parents said I crawled through the house
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
