They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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