I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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