Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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