So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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