the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
