What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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