Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
