I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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