Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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