I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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