I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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